My sister gave me a book... The Peacegiver, maybe i mentioned it in one of my prior posts, but i dont think so. she told me it was important that i had to read it twice. the first time would be super emotional and the second time i would get something out of it. i agreed.

the first time i read it was intense. i cried and cried. i couldn't stop. when i finally calmed down and finished the book i felt changed. if you haven't read it you should.

this last week i was trying to decide if the counselor was right. do i need to ask for a divorce?

i wasn't sure. i have been angry this last week or so. angrier and angrier as time goes by. she isnt working, she had an affair, she isnt helping me, she acts like she hates me, she won't talk to me, she isnt trying, the end is near... i was getting madder and madder without really knowing it. so i decided to fast to know what to do.

i got my family involved, almost asked her mom to be a part of it as well. i had promised her i wouldn't talk to her mom without her permission so i didn't. i wasn't really feeling much, so i was really looking forward to the appt with the bishop.

he quickly said- boy you don't sound like a guy that wants to ask for a divorce. if you dont want to i dont think you should. so his alternative was to create a plan. give it framework. an idea of what i want if i do the things in the plan, and a time frame. he asked me to read the Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon, because he was the master planner. i noticed that he made a plan and told the Lord his part in the plan, and then just had the faith that it would happen and work.

i made my plan. it was pretty simple. i wanted some progress by my birthday, she didn't need to be home, but there needed to be progress. that gave us 6 weeks to be in a better place. i listed the things that i wanted to do in the mean time. i prayed about the plan and... felt nothing. nothing. not a thing.

so i tweaked the plan. tried to make it stretch me a little more... i prayed again. a little trickle. a little bit of something, and i thought ok, lets run with this.

today was church. before church i turned on some music and started reading my scriptures... i wasnt getting much out of them so i decided to take my sister's advice and i started the Peacegiver again.

the first section is about Abigal and David. yes the David that killed Goliath. the story of David and Abigal is interesting. its 1 sam 25 in the OT. David is wronged by Abigal's husband and decides to go whipe out the household. Abigal hears about it and meets David. she says- let the sin be on my head. then she tells David she is trying to keep him from sinning. the idea here is simple. David was wronged, but he sins in his heart by being angry, seeking vengeance and not forgiving. it hit me. if i ask for a divorce cuz i am angry than i am sinning in my heart. David was literally marching on Carmel... i would be marching on Carmel in my heart by not forgiving and by doing all this out of anger. the further point is that if Christ paid for out sins then if we do not forgive it is like saying he didnt do enough... so i have to forgive her... not for her, but for me. so that i don't sin in my heart.

i knew this was part of my task. i have to forgive her. i can't hold the anger in my heart anymore. if i let it all go the anger will be replaced with pure love. for her and for myself. but how to let it go?

there was a moment in Hawaii that i will always remember. we went to the Hindu monastary and saw a little can that was for burning paper that had things you want to let go of written on it. so i made a list of all the things that angered me. i will be burning that list shortly. i also plan on praying for it to be taken away. i plan on praying for help forgiving her.

i may still need to ask for a divorce. we may still be getting divorced, but if that is what happens i want my conscience clear. i want to have forgiven her and have nothing but love left in my heart for her.

the next part of the book is Jonah... i am going to try and read that tonight. i don't know that there is much chance of her coming home... ever, but i believe in miracles, and i believe that God doesnt want divorce... if he can touch her heart he will- but it will still be up to her.

I've stopped writing, because I have stopped knowing what to say. Initially the counseling was going well. we were learning together and we were making progress in my mind. i was excited and thrilled. i knew it was still a long road, but things were coming together. we were dating, we were talking, and then suddenly she would pull back.

i would hold out till the next appt, and then i would feel the progress again. i felt it at times, and that would push me through till the next time. she would pull back again, and i would find something to push me through. something she said, something i read, something someone else said. it helped me hold on.

then i told her. i told her that i had held onto a guilt ridden feeling until i finally told my bishop. it kept me from progressing the way i should have for 19 years. it was painful and awful. i wanted to let it go for years, and couldn't. i wanted to be the man she was looking at, and i couldn't. i wanted to be the man that God put on this earth, and guilt held me down. when i told it was like the weight of the world was lifted. i felt so clean. the bishop said share this with your wife.

i still believe bishops know, but it made things bad when i told her. she was angry. i had wasted her life. i kept her from progressing. i held her down with sin. she was so angry she couldnt speak to me or look at me.

the next counseling appt the counselor said we needed to take a break. we needed to not work on the relationship for a week. i wasnt allowed to call or text her for a week.

i made it the week and she texted me a couple times. it was never texts of thinking about me or wondering how i was. it was texts of we need to take care of this or that... then the appt came and she made an excuse.

i have my neices and the flu. i can't make it. i was crushed. on the one hand at least she told me... on the other... she didn't try very hard. i went anyway.

the counselor was frank... she isn't trying. you need to ask for a divorce. she is in a fantasy land... another guy, no bills, no job, no responsibility. you need to take care of you now. she could see i wasnt ready for that and said... there is only one other option.

you go back to loving her. call her everyday and ask how her day was. tell her what you are doing and invite her along. tell her that the counselor wants you to see each other at least 2 to 3 times this week and then tell her about the appt next tuesday. hopefully she will be there.

i had to take the second option because i am not sure i can deal with the first... and so i sit her waiting for dinner. we are going to dinner tonight. i am terrified, and not even sure i want to go... i don't believe it can be saved... i wrote this email to her mom, although i don't think i will send it...

"You may not get this until tomorrow, but I thought it was important I send it.

I know I promised not to call you, but this is sorta the big deal of the year. You probably didn't know but Kim missed a counseling appt Tuesday. She told me at 9 she wasn't gonna be there because she had the flu and the girls, but she didn't make much of an effort.

I went anyway. The counselor thinks Kim isn't making any effort and that I need to ask for a divorce. I'm honestly not sure I am capable of doing that. That's not what I want, although I am nearing the end of my rope.

She gave me another option, of calling her everyday and telling her we have to see each other 2 to 3 times a week.

I'm not sure what the right answer is, and this may be the biggest decision I ever make. I no longer believe she has any desire to make this better. I don't believe she cares. Whether she is enjoying it or not it is easier to stay up there and avoid all responsibility. The bill collectors call me. I'm out of money and have no groceries... She hides.

I would love to work this out, but in the counselor's words- Kim has become a 16 year old. No worries, just dating and minimal responsibilty.

I hate that this has happened and am crushed by the mistakes I have made to put us here. We are both at fault, but I am devastated by my mistakes.

All I can say is that I realise what I have done and have tried to make it right. I've talked to my bishop and have gone through repentance. I wish she would join me.

I am going to fast Thursday and Friday and talk to my Bishop tonight to try and make this decision. I may try and wait till next tuesday, when we have another appt. i'm not sure I am capable of making this decision, but I know for sure I won't be able to make it without help. I don't want to be in a position where I am deciding if I stay married, and I don't want to make it prematurely, but everyone around me is saying that she isn't making an effort and that I need to ask for a divorce. I don't want to do whatever one else says to do, but one of those people is our counselor, who I am supposed to trust.

I guess I just want you to know. You have been supportive of me the entire time that this has been going on- and even before. You have always looked the other way when I struggled to relate to the family, and you were Christ- like in your forgiveness when I treated your family poorer than you all deserved. I wish I had tried harder sooner to be a good son-in-law, but I can't change that now. The things I am doing are too little too late, and that makes me sad. I wish I had been smarter earlier.

I'm sorry that it has come to this. I am sorry that I have let you down. I think you need to know what is coming, because even though she thinks she wants this, it is going to be hard. It is going to be painful. She will need you. I don't want you to be surprised because she is going to look outside of her home for support, and the support will be better from you.

I suppose the Lord may say not yet. I hope he does. I hope he has a plan and it includes Kim and I staying married. My hope is that the Lord tells me keep the faith and love her till she comes around, but I can't believe that is really what is going to happen. I believe that she has moved on already, and it is time for me to stop denying the truth."

I don't think i will send it, but it sums up what i am feeling...