I'm sitting here at the airport waiting to go home. my parents say i need it... i am not convinced i want to leave. my reasons are all poor, so it is probably a good thing i am going. i dont want to go cuz i'd rather sit at home; i'd rather sleep. yea i know that means i'm depressed, but didn't the counselor say i should be depressed, if i wasn't depressed she'd be worried about me? so yea i am depressed and that isn't a good reason to go see my family.

the last few days have been a tear feast. i haven't been able to stop crying. its been rough. my mom thinks that having the family close will help. i guess it can't hurt. its hard to believe that it was Feb that i was on my way home excited. full of hope. with my wife at my side... no clue she was texting someone else. she was thinking about being with someone else... its hard to believe it would be the last time we would go to Texas together. or take a trip together.

i don't want to leave. my dog is with someone else and that always worries me. the house is empty and that makes me sad. she isn't with me and that makes it nearly unbearable. this ist he first time since we met that i have been on a plane without her. the first time since we met i will be in texas without her company.

i begged God this morning to help me. i've been asking for months... now i am begging. i can't do this alone. i can't make this decision without his guidance... and if my decision is still correct. to hold on; to give her space, i can't do that without him holding me up. i begged and pleaded. i don't feel much better. i don't believe He ever forsakes us, but has He pulled back a little. is He letting me feel a little of this on my own. i wish i knew.

there will come a time i can't wait anymore... i hope i know when that is. if she isn't filling out paperwork already. if she isn't making it happen, i hope i know when i am done waiting. i hope i will get confirmation from on High that it is the right thing to do to file. i don't think i will be able to do it without that...

its 2 am and i am supposed to be packing to go to texas tomorrow. i don't really want to go. i'm hurting. hurting like i hurt every night before bed, and every day that i wake up. if i'm not at work or asleep i hurt. i yearn for her, wonder what she is doing, wonder if she is thinking about me.

i don't want to go to Texas because maybe she will call. maybe she'll want to get together. she just posted on her facebook that she has tuesday and weds off. i am just naive enough to actually try and believe she did that for me. so we could see each other. she wants me to call her and ask her to dinner... except that she doesn't. she isn't calling, isn't texting... probably isn't even thinking about me at all. maybe that's a morbid self absorbed thought, but its my thought. its what i feel right now. this instant as i cry.

i cry all the time. when i hear music, when i see people liking each other, when i think of something that reminds me of her. see the trouble is that all music reminds me of her. everything i do reminds me of her. being awake reminds me of her.

yes, this is a pity party... yea i am feeling sorry for myself. i don't know how to get her out of my head, how to not think about her every moment of every day. even when i feel like i am moving to a place where i feel healthy, when i feel some peace... i see something. she posts something on her facebook, i hear a song, or i see something that reminds me of her. once i felt really good and i got a text from her.

i feel this sense of duty to just hold on. to endure. and if i endure when she comes back i will have held on to something special. but aren't odds on her not coming back? i think so. yea there is a chance, but odds are she is done and all we are waiting for is the actual finalities.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being the good soldier. i am tired of holding on. i'm tired of waiting and hoping. at some point i need to get through the mood swings. just writing this has made me feel more calm, although it hasnt made me any more confident that this will have a good end for us.

thanks for listening. i don't want it to be over. that's not what i am saying. i want her back. i just want her back now. i need to not feel so lonely. i need to feel loved again. i need to feel that connection. the problem is our relationship is so damaged if she walked in the door this very moment we are months, maybe even years from being normal again.

My sister gave me a book... The Peacegiver, maybe i mentioned it in one of my prior posts, but i dont think so. she told me it was important that i had to read it twice. the first time would be super emotional and the second time i would get something out of it. i agreed.

the first time i read it was intense. i cried and cried. i couldn't stop. when i finally calmed down and finished the book i felt changed. if you haven't read it you should.

this last week i was trying to decide if the counselor was right. do i need to ask for a divorce?

i wasn't sure. i have been angry this last week or so. angrier and angrier as time goes by. she isnt working, she had an affair, she isnt helping me, she acts like she hates me, she won't talk to me, she isnt trying, the end is near... i was getting madder and madder without really knowing it. so i decided to fast to know what to do.

i got my family involved, almost asked her mom to be a part of it as well. i had promised her i wouldn't talk to her mom without her permission so i didn't. i wasn't really feeling much, so i was really looking forward to the appt with the bishop.

he quickly said- boy you don't sound like a guy that wants to ask for a divorce. if you dont want to i dont think you should. so his alternative was to create a plan. give it framework. an idea of what i want if i do the things in the plan, and a time frame. he asked me to read the Brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon, because he was the master planner. i noticed that he made a plan and told the Lord his part in the plan, and then just had the faith that it would happen and work.

i made my plan. it was pretty simple. i wanted some progress by my birthday, she didn't need to be home, but there needed to be progress. that gave us 6 weeks to be in a better place. i listed the things that i wanted to do in the mean time. i prayed about the plan and... felt nothing. nothing. not a thing.

so i tweaked the plan. tried to make it stretch me a little more... i prayed again. a little trickle. a little bit of something, and i thought ok, lets run with this.

today was church. before church i turned on some music and started reading my scriptures... i wasnt getting much out of them so i decided to take my sister's advice and i started the Peacegiver again.

the first section is about Abigal and David. yes the David that killed Goliath. the story of David and Abigal is interesting. its 1 sam 25 in the OT. David is wronged by Abigal's husband and decides to go whipe out the household. Abigal hears about it and meets David. she says- let the sin be on my head. then she tells David she is trying to keep him from sinning. the idea here is simple. David was wronged, but he sins in his heart by being angry, seeking vengeance and not forgiving. it hit me. if i ask for a divorce cuz i am angry than i am sinning in my heart. David was literally marching on Carmel... i would be marching on Carmel in my heart by not forgiving and by doing all this out of anger. the further point is that if Christ paid for out sins then if we do not forgive it is like saying he didnt do enough... so i have to forgive her... not for her, but for me. so that i don't sin in my heart.

i knew this was part of my task. i have to forgive her. i can't hold the anger in my heart anymore. if i let it all go the anger will be replaced with pure love. for her and for myself. but how to let it go?

there was a moment in Hawaii that i will always remember. we went to the Hindu monastary and saw a little can that was for burning paper that had things you want to let go of written on it. so i made a list of all the things that angered me. i will be burning that list shortly. i also plan on praying for it to be taken away. i plan on praying for help forgiving her.

i may still need to ask for a divorce. we may still be getting divorced, but if that is what happens i want my conscience clear. i want to have forgiven her and have nothing but love left in my heart for her.

the next part of the book is Jonah... i am going to try and read that tonight. i don't know that there is much chance of her coming home... ever, but i believe in miracles, and i believe that God doesnt want divorce... if he can touch her heart he will- but it will still be up to her.

I've stopped writing, because I have stopped knowing what to say. Initially the counseling was going well. we were learning together and we were making progress in my mind. i was excited and thrilled. i knew it was still a long road, but things were coming together. we were dating, we were talking, and then suddenly she would pull back.

i would hold out till the next appt, and then i would feel the progress again. i felt it at times, and that would push me through till the next time. she would pull back again, and i would find something to push me through. something she said, something i read, something someone else said. it helped me hold on.

then i told her. i told her that i had held onto a guilt ridden feeling until i finally told my bishop. it kept me from progressing the way i should have for 19 years. it was painful and awful. i wanted to let it go for years, and couldn't. i wanted to be the man she was looking at, and i couldn't. i wanted to be the man that God put on this earth, and guilt held me down. when i told it was like the weight of the world was lifted. i felt so clean. the bishop said share this with your wife.

i still believe bishops know, but it made things bad when i told her. she was angry. i had wasted her life. i kept her from progressing. i held her down with sin. she was so angry she couldnt speak to me or look at me.

the next counseling appt the counselor said we needed to take a break. we needed to not work on the relationship for a week. i wasnt allowed to call or text her for a week.

i made it the week and she texted me a couple times. it was never texts of thinking about me or wondering how i was. it was texts of we need to take care of this or that... then the appt came and she made an excuse.

i have my neices and the flu. i can't make it. i was crushed. on the one hand at least she told me... on the other... she didn't try very hard. i went anyway.

the counselor was frank... she isn't trying. you need to ask for a divorce. she is in a fantasy land... another guy, no bills, no job, no responsibility. you need to take care of you now. she could see i wasnt ready for that and said... there is only one other option.

you go back to loving her. call her everyday and ask how her day was. tell her what you are doing and invite her along. tell her that the counselor wants you to see each other at least 2 to 3 times this week and then tell her about the appt next tuesday. hopefully she will be there.

i had to take the second option because i am not sure i can deal with the first... and so i sit her waiting for dinner. we are going to dinner tonight. i am terrified, and not even sure i want to go... i don't believe it can be saved... i wrote this email to her mom, although i don't think i will send it...

"You may not get this until tomorrow, but I thought it was important I send it.

I know I promised not to call you, but this is sorta the big deal of the year. You probably didn't know but Kim missed a counseling appt Tuesday. She told me at 9 she wasn't gonna be there because she had the flu and the girls, but she didn't make much of an effort.

I went anyway. The counselor thinks Kim isn't making any effort and that I need to ask for a divorce. I'm honestly not sure I am capable of doing that. That's not what I want, although I am nearing the end of my rope.

She gave me another option, of calling her everyday and telling her we have to see each other 2 to 3 times a week.

I'm not sure what the right answer is, and this may be the biggest decision I ever make. I no longer believe she has any desire to make this better. I don't believe she cares. Whether she is enjoying it or not it is easier to stay up there and avoid all responsibility. The bill collectors call me. I'm out of money and have no groceries... She hides.

I would love to work this out, but in the counselor's words- Kim has become a 16 year old. No worries, just dating and minimal responsibilty.

I hate that this has happened and am crushed by the mistakes I have made to put us here. We are both at fault, but I am devastated by my mistakes.

All I can say is that I realise what I have done and have tried to make it right. I've talked to my bishop and have gone through repentance. I wish she would join me.

I am going to fast Thursday and Friday and talk to my Bishop tonight to try and make this decision. I may try and wait till next tuesday, when we have another appt. i'm not sure I am capable of making this decision, but I know for sure I won't be able to make it without help. I don't want to be in a position where I am deciding if I stay married, and I don't want to make it prematurely, but everyone around me is saying that she isn't making an effort and that I need to ask for a divorce. I don't want to do whatever one else says to do, but one of those people is our counselor, who I am supposed to trust.

I guess I just want you to know. You have been supportive of me the entire time that this has been going on- and even before. You have always looked the other way when I struggled to relate to the family, and you were Christ- like in your forgiveness when I treated your family poorer than you all deserved. I wish I had tried harder sooner to be a good son-in-law, but I can't change that now. The things I am doing are too little too late, and that makes me sad. I wish I had been smarter earlier.

I'm sorry that it has come to this. I am sorry that I have let you down. I think you need to know what is coming, because even though she thinks she wants this, it is going to be hard. It is going to be painful. She will need you. I don't want you to be surprised because she is going to look outside of her home for support, and the support will be better from you.

I suppose the Lord may say not yet. I hope he does. I hope he has a plan and it includes Kim and I staying married. My hope is that the Lord tells me keep the faith and love her till she comes around, but I can't believe that is really what is going to happen. I believe that she has moved on already, and it is time for me to stop denying the truth."

I don't think i will send it, but it sums up what i am feeling...

So my brother and sister came out to visit and help me pack. this is a few days ago, actually almost a week. they rock. they came out on their own and helped me toss stuff and hung out with me. they even helped me find a place.

my grandma is getting up there in years, and my mom always wants us to take her to dinner. my brother and my grandma are pretty close. me and grandma, not so much. for a long time she has been against my dad, and my dad and i are close. i called and asked if she wanted to go to dinner with us. i hadnt seen her in a day or two, and i wanted to. she and my sis are incredibly close, like two peas in a pod. she loves old people... and loves my grandma. she agreed. i was stoked.

dinner was good. we went to her sister's restaurant, and everyone had a good time. my grandma has started to tell me she is proud of me. it was an emotional dinner and i cried. she worked to sooth me. hand on my knee, on my arm. her touch is so welcome and so familiar. it is like home. we have lost houses and moved a few times together, but it doesnt matter, because she is home. wherever we are.

when we left i told her i loved her and she didnt respond. when i got in the car with my brother and sister i lost it. i have been angry since she left, but havent felt like i could express that. she was running, if i was angry would she run farther? so i have kept my anger inside. it all came out.

my brother and sister said we needed to watch a movie. we went to walmart and my brother bought Fireproof with kirk cameron. a movie about a firefighter that saves his marriage by doing the love dare. so i bought the book. and here i am doing the love dare.

the movie is bad. corny, overacted, and sorta ridiculous, but the message is sweet.

day one, don't say anything negative about your spouse... i can't tell you how easy that is when she doesn't live with you. i didnt talk to her much that day, so i didnt say anything negative about her.

day 3 is buying something small for your spouse that lets them know you are thinking of them. i was walking through walmart and i saw boondock saints 2. the first is her favorite movie ever. we watched it together early in our dating. as soon as i saw it i thought of her and knew it was the right thing. i told her that i was walking through walmart and saw something that made me think of her. so the next day we got to see each other and i gave it to her. i told her it was nothing, but that when i saw it i thought of her and had to get it. she was surprised and grateful. we walked towards walmart, and she put her hand on my back. nice.

day 4 call your spouse sometime during the day for no other reason than to tell her you love her and ask if she needs anything. i tried. she didnt answer. these days that's sorta normal. i left her a message, cuz that was the only option i really had. she didnt really respond. i have tried to call her occasionally since just to say hi and i love you. i don't know if its good or bad, she doesnt really say.

i skipped day 5 and 6 because we are talking about each other a lot in counseling. i didnt really need more negatives about me. i loved day 7 and 8 though.

for day 7 i was to make two lists. one of the qualities i love about her and one that i didnt. i made the list and then as soon as i was done i called her to thank her for one of the qualities that i love about her. i love that she is so caring. i love that she hates not liking someone. i love that it doesnt matter who it is she cares. i told her over text. sometimes thats the only way we get to communicate. i said thanks, and she said thanks for saying that. i think it did hit a little nerve... a good one.

day 8 was even better. i was supposed to take the list of bad qualities and burn it. i was excited. in hawaii we went to a hindu temple and got a private tour. the tour was given by some good friends, and they told us about a bowl at the entrance of the temple that is used for burning letters and papers that list things that people want out of their lives, or want to let go of. this sounded exactly the same. i went to work and burned the paper. it was cathartic. it was like my bad thoughts about her "bad" qualities went away.

i was to tell her something i was proud of after i burned the paper. we were on our way to dinner and i told her how proud i was of her for losing weight lately. not because she was skinnier, but because of the discpline it took for her to stick to it. i told her it just made me so proud, and that i was always proud of her.

day 9 sorta was hard. i was supposed to greet her in a special way... blah. i didnt do very well at it.

i think things are getting better... not very quickly, but getting better.

i like the love dare. i like that it sorta makes me work on myself. i love that i am putting her before me.

i plan on trying to update this every day or two. i want to get all the way to day 40.

There is a part of the ceremony in which my marriage was solemnized not just for this life, but for the rest of life after death that is one of the highlights of my life. there is a symbolic curtain that represents the border between life and death. at one point you bring your wife through to the other side.

its symbolic, but when i did this with my wife i felt as if i was in another place at another time. i knew in that moment that this was a representation of what would happen after we died. of all the moments in my life this is the most treasured. this is the moment that i think about when life is hard. it is the moment that i hold on to when i need direction and meaning in my life.

there is nothing that i want more than to have this moment repeat after i die.

our second appt with the counselor went well. she spoke, and opened up. the counselor talked about how she was feeling and her tears made it clear that she was right. we talked a little. it was good. the counselor left and she grabbed my hand. "i'm so sorry," i said.

"its ok, well its not ok, but we are here." she responded.

she squeezed my hand. is this the vote of confidence. the statement that we are moving forward, however slow. maybe i am naive, but i took it as such. the rest of the appt went well. its her turn to do date night, and we planned a day for it.

we left and went to look at a house. she liked it and seemed happy. she chatted and chatted. i love to hear her talk. i didnt say much, just enjoyed her voice. on the way back to her car i said i was hungry. she suggested we go get dinner. dinner was more of the same, she talked my ear off, and i enjoyed every minute. i dropped her at her car and told her i loved her. she said love you too... i drove home feeling we were moving forward.

at the end of the appt, the counselor told me i needed to relax. i am too intense. she is your friend and is ready to fall in love again. you've made great progress. she seemed to agree with the counselor. so i am feeling that progress has been made, i drove home happy.

fri she was to come down and see some more houses. she woke late and seemed grumpy. i was surprised she came down anyway. we looked at the places and talked some about what we liked best... nothing earth shattering, so i said well i guess you'll go back to your moms...

she didnt seem to know what she was going to do so i said, "you can come back to the house."

i was surprised when she agreed. we cuddled for a few hours. it was unreal... when she was going to bed she said it was a good day.

i am trying to believe we are moving forward, but at least once a day i want to call her and tell her its time to be done. she isn't coming home. she doesn't love me. time to cut our loses.

i don't want to be divorced, and i am not ready to end the possibility that i will pull her through to the other side someday. so i hold on.

Dear XXXX-

Your name has been deleted to protect you. This is the letter I will never send, but I will always wish I had.

You may be a good person. You may have the best of intentions. This may have started innocently.

I can't sit here and bash who you are, your character, or the way you live your life. What you should know however, is there are more people involved her than you and her. Does your wife know? Your child? What would they think? Would they feel betrayed? Hurt? Angry?

I have felt all those things in the last 2 weeks. I know I have made mistakes in my relationship. I may not have pulled the proverbial trigger, but I put the gun in her hand. She looked for things outside our relationship that she wasn't getting within it. I understand my role in this mess, and I accept my culpability in this. However, the real question is why cross the line?

Why create this situation regardless of how pure the motives. Maybe you were just trying to make her feel better, to take away her pain. Noble. It stopped being noble when it started being an affair. When pictures only her husband should have seen changed hands. When the words I love you were no longer platonic. When the discussion included being willing to give yourself over to each other in every way.

If my marriage ended I would be lost; destroyed, but I would have wanted her to find someone else. I don't know how to cope with the fact that while we were married she gave herself to you. Whether it was physical or not, it may have well have been. I don't know how to deal with her sitting on OUR bed talking to you about intimacy. I don't know how to handle her taking pictures of herself in things I bought her and sending them to you. What would you do if your wife did that?

When I found out I told her to choose. She said she choose me. That she wanted to give our marriage a real try. I don't know if she has stopped talking to you. I suspect she hasn't. I can't compete with the fantasy. You have never had to talk to her about money, problems, or have worked with her health. It's easy to be perfect 3 states and reality away. I hope she sees that. The grass is greener because it has more shit in it...

I have assumed so far your motives are pure... or as pure as an affair can be, but what if they aren't. What if it feeds your ego to get a married women to say things to you she should be saying to her husband? What if this isn't the first time you have cheated on your wife. Perhaps this letter should be sent to her.

Leave my wife alone. Respect the promises we have made each other. Try and respect your wife enough to leave her before you start this. From one man to another, try and imagine being blind-sided by this. Maybe this happened to you in your first marriage... if so I can't believe you would cause this pain...