I'm sitting here at the airport waiting to go home. my parents say i need it... i am not convinced i want to leave. my reasons are all poor, so it is probably a good thing i am going. i dont want to go cuz i'd rather sit at home; i'd rather sleep. yea i know that means i'm depressed, but didn't the counselor say i should be depressed, if i wasn't depressed she'd be worried about me? so yea i am depressed and that isn't a good reason to go see my family.

the last few days have been a tear feast. i haven't been able to stop crying. its been rough. my mom thinks that having the family close will help. i guess it can't hurt. its hard to believe that it was Feb that i was on my way home excited. full of hope. with my wife at my side... no clue she was texting someone else. she was thinking about being with someone else... its hard to believe it would be the last time we would go to Texas together. or take a trip together.

i don't want to leave. my dog is with someone else and that always worries me. the house is empty and that makes me sad. she isn't with me and that makes it nearly unbearable. this ist he first time since we met that i have been on a plane without her. the first time since we met i will be in texas without her company.

i begged God this morning to help me. i've been asking for months... now i am begging. i can't do this alone. i can't make this decision without his guidance... and if my decision is still correct. to hold on; to give her space, i can't do that without him holding me up. i begged and pleaded. i don't feel much better. i don't believe He ever forsakes us, but has He pulled back a little. is He letting me feel a little of this on my own. i wish i knew.

there will come a time i can't wait anymore... i hope i know when that is. if she isn't filling out paperwork already. if she isn't making it happen, i hope i know when i am done waiting. i hope i will get confirmation from on High that it is the right thing to do to file. i don't think i will be able to do it without that...

its 2 am and i am supposed to be packing to go to texas tomorrow. i don't really want to go. i'm hurting. hurting like i hurt every night before bed, and every day that i wake up. if i'm not at work or asleep i hurt. i yearn for her, wonder what she is doing, wonder if she is thinking about me.

i don't want to go to Texas because maybe she will call. maybe she'll want to get together. she just posted on her facebook that she has tuesday and weds off. i am just naive enough to actually try and believe she did that for me. so we could see each other. she wants me to call her and ask her to dinner... except that she doesn't. she isn't calling, isn't texting... probably isn't even thinking about me at all. maybe that's a morbid self absorbed thought, but its my thought. its what i feel right now. this instant as i cry.

i cry all the time. when i hear music, when i see people liking each other, when i think of something that reminds me of her. see the trouble is that all music reminds me of her. everything i do reminds me of her. being awake reminds me of her.

yes, this is a pity party... yea i am feeling sorry for myself. i don't know how to get her out of my head, how to not think about her every moment of every day. even when i feel like i am moving to a place where i feel healthy, when i feel some peace... i see something. she posts something on her facebook, i hear a song, or i see something that reminds me of her. once i felt really good and i got a text from her.

i feel this sense of duty to just hold on. to endure. and if i endure when she comes back i will have held on to something special. but aren't odds on her not coming back? i think so. yea there is a chance, but odds are she is done and all we are waiting for is the actual finalities.

i'm tired. i'm tired of being the good soldier. i am tired of holding on. i'm tired of waiting and hoping. at some point i need to get through the mood swings. just writing this has made me feel more calm, although it hasnt made me any more confident that this will have a good end for us.

thanks for listening. i don't want it to be over. that's not what i am saying. i want her back. i just want her back now. i need to not feel so lonely. i need to feel loved again. i need to feel that connection. the problem is our relationship is so damaged if she walked in the door this very moment we are months, maybe even years from being normal again.