i saw her yesterday. i thought it was going to be some kind of gigantic movie moment. she would look 100 times prettier than i remember. she would look like a vision and run into my arms. she would turn just at the right moment to look at me. the truth wasnt much like that at all. we were at the festival of colors with 20000 other people. she was upset, hot, frustrated, and had a 3 and 4 year old in tow. she couldnt find me and she was just getting mad. it didnt help that she had to bring her nieces. that wasnt a part of the plan. this was supposed to be a reunion.

i walked up to her and said hi and then showed her to the rest of our friends. she did look amazing, but i was mostly just worried about her. for the next 7 hours we would be mostly silent. i tried to speak to her, but there wasnt much conversation. i asked about her family and she would answer briefly. i would tell her about work and she would respond politely. i know she wasnt at her best, that the situation was difficult for her, but i wanted to speak to her.

we made dinner. she helped. i love being in the kitchen, and i love being in the kitchen with her. at times it was as if no time had passed. at times it was as if she would rather be any where else. it was hard. it was awkward. i wonder if she felt as out of place as i did. i tried to make her comfortable, but i don' t think i did all that well.

a little redemption finally came at the end of the night. i walked her to her car and she hugged me. she said it was good to see me. its good to see you too, i said. i miss you i said and i love you. i miss and love you too she responded... that had to be good. she left... we said good night as normal. 3 more days and she is home...

I think i am sorta hurt by this whole thing. my feelings are hurt. am i a controlling monster? i don't think so. everything i do is for my wife. i have made mistakes, but what hurts is that her life is so horrible that she has to run form it... or even take a break from it. i am a part of that life.

i remember driving with her one afternoon. a decision came down against me; not hers... but it was because of decisions i had made. in self pity i bellowed- MY LIFE SUCKS. she was hurt. i am a part of your life, she said. if your life sucks what does that mean about me. i felt bad that i had said it, but now i know exactly how she felt. she is running from me and from life, if it is that bad what does that say about me.

not fair! i hear it coming from the people i know right now... but i am hurt. it may not be fair, she may need space, but that is how i feel. hurt. i didnt want to be alone for a week. i didnt want to be lonely, and wonder if i can put this back together. i thought things were good. i didnt see.

i waited tonight, and it was late before she said good night. i wondered if she had forgotten. what would that say about us? nothing? everything?

it finally came and i laughed at my paranoia. it comes at me and captures my thoughts, creating Stephen King like twists in plots. i cant control it sometimes and i get washed away in the fiction that Paranoia creates. it is King. Paranoia is an author that writes horror novels without resolution. i know it is irrational and yet i cant stop it.

light bulb moments happen to us all. i don't think i say "ah ha," but i have them. i was in physics... we were learning all sorts of interesting things when a theory slide past. we didn't dwell on it, but i remained while the class moved forward. Occam's Razor: is the meta-theoretical principle that "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity" (entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem) and the conclusion thereof, that the simplest solution is usually the correct one.

The simplest solution is usually correct. I think Occam may have been Paranoia's nemesis. i try and remind myself- simple think simple. she didnt respond because she was busy, or she was taking space, not because aliens kidnapped her in order to implant something in her brain. simple- remember simple. She says she loves you because she loves you, not as some global plot to make you look like a fool.

i am falling asleep with the thought that i get to see her tomorrow. she is coming down from her mom's to be with some friends. we have planned this for a month, and it has been really important. i am making dinner for a prom date. i am honored that they would think me a personal chef, but i am terrified to see my wife.

how do i act? i want to treat her like the love of my life, but i have smothered her already. if i want her to come home i can't do it again. i don't want her to feel ignored, that cant be good either. i want her to feel comfortable, important, loved, beautiful. i want to flirt with her from a distance. i want to be good at something i have never been good at... wooing.

when i wake up tomorrow it will be on the day that i see her again for the first time in a week... am i ready?

Yesterday was tough... i thought she was coming to see me, but things came up. i can barely remember how many days its been. i went to see some friends to try and sort through things. we made lunch and talked. i was fasting. nothing like an empty stomach to help you focus. i could barely hear my own thoughts above the roar of my stomach, but the mere act of withholding something from myself brought me closer to my thoughts.

my friends kept saying it is gonna be fine. she is fine they said... over and over. i hope they are right. i think sometimes i look for others to just tell me. its gonna be ok, it'll all work out, thats the right decision. i wanted them to tell me, everything will be fine.

On my way home i started getting nervous. everytime i turn the corner onto our street my heart jumps... is that our car? is she home? but it never is, and she never is.

i went to bed tired. i ran with the dog until i couldn't anymore. it wasnt as far as it would have been 10 years ago, but i did ok. i felt better when i walked in the door, the endorphins masking anything else i felt. i went to bed alone. i watched one of our tv shows just to see if it made me feel like she was here. it did. momentarily.

its lonely to wake up in an empty bed. i had to work so i started toward the shower. my phone went off. i made sure its distinctive, and my heart skipped. its gotta be her. we talked for a few minutes. she sounds better. i hope that brings her closer to coming home. it isn't home without her. she makes it home. without her its a big empty building antiseptic like a warehouse. with her its warm... its home.

work was long, but i was lucky to see her name on my phone a couple times. its hard to wait for those brief hellos. i am afraid that even when she is back this is what we are now... brief hellos, short conversations. she opened up to me more today than she has in months. i think that is good.

i turned the corner to our house with the same anticipation... butterflies... is she there? did she come home... is she waiting. the driveway was empty... my heart dipped a little. everytime i go to bed brings me a day closer to seeing her...

pain

I woke up this morning hopeful. I was alone, but it wasn’t going to last. She was coming back and that was all that really mattered. I took the dog out and started some laundry. Mundane things to keep my mind off the loneliness. Its amazing that after being with someone for so long the lack of their presence is an indescribable hole. Its so deep that it doesn’t seem like you will ever be able to fill it up.

When my phone went off and it was her, my heart raced. We talked about nothing, but just knowing I was on her mind was enough. Its like the song says- “I don’t care what you think, as long as its about me.” It was short. Only a few minutes and then she was gone… again.

I left for work the same way I did yesterday, with a tear in my eye. She wasn’t there to say good bye, or to kiss me like she was going to miss me all night. I drove to work and started into the grind. I love my job, but there isn’t much in life with color when she isn’t around… I could quote songs all day, but- “There’s no sunshine when she’s gone.”

Work was all right, if not long. I’m so used to hearing from her the night drags when she isn’t there. I hadn’t said “I love you,” so I texted just that… “I love you, thinking of you.” She texted back that she loves me too. I have to hold on to that and believe that if it was over she wouldn’t say those words. I believe I married a woman who wouldn’t throw those words around.

I feel like I am on an island tonight. My wife is living at her mom’s for “a few days,” my friends aren’t texting me back, I work too much to go see my bishop, and I doubt my parents are of a capacity to help me. I don’t know how to work through the pain and the anger. The hurt of having the women you love tell you she needs to go to her mom’s to be away for long enough to clear her head. She still tells me she loves me, and I cling to that. I yearn to hear her voice, to feel her skin, to smell her, to just know that she is close.

the night is nearly over. Work was busy, mercifully too busy to check my phone. Late I see she has texted; "just wanted to say good night before i fall asleep." I text back good night. She responds with I love you and my heart leaps. I text back I love her too.

I fall asleep in an empty bed. I hope this will all be over soon.