I'm sitting here at the airport waiting to go home. my parents say i need it... i am not convinced i want to leave. my reasons are all poor, so it is probably a good thing i am going. i dont want to go cuz i'd rather sit at home; i'd rather sleep. yea i know that means i'm depressed, but didn't the counselor say i should be depressed, if i wasn't depressed she'd be worried about me? so yea i am depressed and that isn't a good reason to go see my family.

the last few days have been a tear feast. i haven't been able to stop crying. its been rough. my mom thinks that having the family close will help. i guess it can't hurt. its hard to believe that it was Feb that i was on my way home excited. full of hope. with my wife at my side... no clue she was texting someone else. she was thinking about being with someone else... its hard to believe it would be the last time we would go to Texas together. or take a trip together.

i don't want to leave. my dog is with someone else and that always worries me. the house is empty and that makes me sad. she isn't with me and that makes it nearly unbearable. this ist he first time since we met that i have been on a plane without her. the first time since we met i will be in texas without her company.

i begged God this morning to help me. i've been asking for months... now i am begging. i can't do this alone. i can't make this decision without his guidance... and if my decision is still correct. to hold on; to give her space, i can't do that without him holding me up. i begged and pleaded. i don't feel much better. i don't believe He ever forsakes us, but has He pulled back a little. is He letting me feel a little of this on my own. i wish i knew.

there will come a time i can't wait anymore... i hope i know when that is. if she isn't filling out paperwork already. if she isn't making it happen, i hope i know when i am done waiting. i hope i will get confirmation from on High that it is the right thing to do to file. i don't think i will be able to do it without that...