There is a part of the ceremony in which my marriage was solemnized not just for this life, but for the rest of life after death that is one of the highlights of my life. there is a symbolic curtain that represents the border between life and death. at one point you bring your wife through to the other side.

its symbolic, but when i did this with my wife i felt as if i was in another place at another time. i knew in that moment that this was a representation of what would happen after we died. of all the moments in my life this is the most treasured. this is the moment that i think about when life is hard. it is the moment that i hold on to when i need direction and meaning in my life.

there is nothing that i want more than to have this moment repeat after i die.

our second appt with the counselor went well. she spoke, and opened up. the counselor talked about how she was feeling and her tears made it clear that she was right. we talked a little. it was good. the counselor left and she grabbed my hand. "i'm so sorry," i said.

"its ok, well its not ok, but we are here." she responded.

she squeezed my hand. is this the vote of confidence. the statement that we are moving forward, however slow. maybe i am naive, but i took it as such. the rest of the appt went well. its her turn to do date night, and we planned a day for it.

we left and went to look at a house. she liked it and seemed happy. she chatted and chatted. i love to hear her talk. i didnt say much, just enjoyed her voice. on the way back to her car i said i was hungry. she suggested we go get dinner. dinner was more of the same, she talked my ear off, and i enjoyed every minute. i dropped her at her car and told her i loved her. she said love you too... i drove home feeling we were moving forward.

at the end of the appt, the counselor told me i needed to relax. i am too intense. she is your friend and is ready to fall in love again. you've made great progress. she seemed to agree with the counselor. so i am feeling that progress has been made, i drove home happy.

fri she was to come down and see some more houses. she woke late and seemed grumpy. i was surprised she came down anyway. we looked at the places and talked some about what we liked best... nothing earth shattering, so i said well i guess you'll go back to your moms...

she didnt seem to know what she was going to do so i said, "you can come back to the house."

i was surprised when she agreed. we cuddled for a few hours. it was unreal... when she was going to bed she said it was a good day.

i am trying to believe we are moving forward, but at least once a day i want to call her and tell her its time to be done. she isn't coming home. she doesn't love me. time to cut our loses.

i don't want to be divorced, and i am not ready to end the possibility that i will pull her through to the other side someday. so i hold on.