its been a while...

things have gone from bad to worse. she didn't make it on vacation with me. i was sad and hurt. she promised she would be in vegas but she didnt make it there either. the night before vacation she said i love you and i will see you tomorrow. i didnt see her again until nearly 8 days later.

she told me the morning that i was leaving that she didnt want it to be over. i dont want it to be over she said, but thats all i can tell you. i wasnt sure what that meant... i am more sure now.

my brother called me in vegas, you see it is his cell phone account that we are on. he wanted me to know, didnt want me not to know that my wife was spending at least 1.5 hours a day on the phone with a guy in colorado. i had always known. i had even confronted her about it. she had promised it was nothing, over and over.

when i got to my hotel i opened gmail... there they were, she had forwarded texts from her cell to an email acount she didnt think i knew about... or maybe she did. the i love you's and the references to them being intimate together threw me over some sort of proverbial edge. there were pictures as well... it hurt. mostly because some of those things were things i wanted her to say to me... had wanted for years.

i couldnt sleep. i paced. finally i sat down and started to read. it was one of her favorite books i had brought with me. i couldnt read it. it just made me think of the things i had seen. i picked up scripture. when i was young it always calmed me. i thought it would have the same affect. it was better than her book, but not perfect. i read all night.

i called her. it was time. i wanted to wait, but i couldnt. i told her i knew. she cried. she said you know the problems have been going on for longer than he has been in my life... he was a catalyst. i didnt care- that was hurtful. no wonder she had to leave. no wonder she had to go away. she needed space, not from me, but to talk to him.

i told her whatever the problems were she had to choose. she couldnt have us both. she couldnt sit the fence. i told her if she didnt choose we WERE done. that was my decision. i wouldnt try and compete with someone who was perfect on paper, whos crap she hadnt seen. i cant and wont try and beat that.

she said she would need to call me back. she couldnt breath, she was going to puke. ok i said. and hung up.

i had told her that everything about him needed to be erased from her computer, her phone, her facebook.

it was nearly 3 hours later in the car that i noticed he was no longer her friend on facebook.

has she erased everything? i still don't know. i hope so. i want to believe her. i want to be the person that trusts and gets burned... at least then i can say i was doing the right thing. i dont want to not trust and find later i should have.

she called that night, and said that if going to our counselors appt and trying meant he had to be out of her life, then she thought the appt was that important. good i said. we talked. she said she didnt know if it would work. didnt know how she felt anymore. that was hard to hear, but i understood. there had been someone else for at least 2 months...

she said she didnt want to fail, that she was doing this to fail, but there were no guarantees. i agree... no guarantees. we talked about mundane things too... needing to move, do you want to go look at houses with me? i asked. she said she did.

we looked at houses the next day. it was a little uncomfortable, but we were both nervous. it went well. we found a place we liked. then we went to hang out for a bit before she had dinner with her mom and some family. i was a little hurt to not get an invite, but i tried not to let it show.

on the way to the mall she said something about soft skin that reminded me of one of the texts and it made me cry. whats wrong she asked... just a little hurt, im sorry, im ok.

we hung at the mall. i sat close, touched her here and there... she didnt much touch back. i understand, still trying to work through feelings. we talked. it was nice.

her mom got there and she hugged me. thanks she said and she kissed me. ill text you later. ok... and i left.

shes texted a lot since then. more than the previous three weeks combined. thats good i hope.

yesterday was hard. found out some bad news. she hadnt been telling me everything about some other things. i asked her. she apologized... i only screw up with you, she said. i just screw everything up. i dont want to be like this.

i told her i wasnt angry, that i wanted to work on it together, and make it right. today is the first day of our marriage... we start over. no more lies.

ok she said. we start over... i hope that part of starting over is her coming home... today makes 3 weeks.