I think i am sorta hurt by this whole thing. my feelings are hurt. am i a controlling monster? i don't think so. everything i do is for my wife. i have made mistakes, but what hurts is that her life is so horrible that she has to run form it... or even take a break from it. i am a part of that life.

i remember driving with her one afternoon. a decision came down against me; not hers... but it was because of decisions i had made. in self pity i bellowed- MY LIFE SUCKS. she was hurt. i am a part of your life, she said. if your life sucks what does that mean about me. i felt bad that i had said it, but now i know exactly how she felt. she is running from me and from life, if it is that bad what does that say about me.

not fair! i hear it coming from the people i know right now... but i am hurt. it may not be fair, she may need space, but that is how i feel. hurt. i didnt want to be alone for a week. i didnt want to be lonely, and wonder if i can put this back together. i thought things were good. i didnt see.

i waited tonight, and it was late before she said good night. i wondered if she had forgotten. what would that say about us? nothing? everything?

it finally came and i laughed at my paranoia. it comes at me and captures my thoughts, creating Stephen King like twists in plots. i cant control it sometimes and i get washed away in the fiction that Paranoia creates. it is King. Paranoia is an author that writes horror novels without resolution. i know it is irrational and yet i cant stop it.

light bulb moments happen to us all. i don't think i say "ah ha," but i have them. i was in physics... we were learning all sorts of interesting things when a theory slide past. we didn't dwell on it, but i remained while the class moved forward. Occam's Razor: is the meta-theoretical principle that "entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity" (entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem) and the conclusion thereof, that the simplest solution is usually the correct one.

The simplest solution is usually correct. I think Occam may have been Paranoia's nemesis. i try and remind myself- simple think simple. she didnt respond because she was busy, or she was taking space, not because aliens kidnapped her in order to implant something in her brain. simple- remember simple. She says she loves you because she loves you, not as some global plot to make you look like a fool.

i am falling asleep with the thought that i get to see her tomorrow. she is coming down from her mom's to be with some friends. we have planned this for a month, and it has been really important. i am making dinner for a prom date. i am honored that they would think me a personal chef, but i am terrified to see my wife.

how do i act? i want to treat her like the love of my life, but i have smothered her already. if i want her to come home i can't do it again. i don't want her to feel ignored, that cant be good either. i want her to feel comfortable, important, loved, beautiful. i want to flirt with her from a distance. i want to be good at something i have never been good at... wooing.

when i wake up tomorrow it will be on the day that i see her again for the first time in a week... am i ready?