Yesterday was tough... i thought she was coming to see me, but things came up. i can barely remember how many days its been. i went to see some friends to try and sort through things. we made lunch and talked. i was fasting. nothing like an empty stomach to help you focus. i could barely hear my own thoughts above the roar of my stomach, but the mere act of withholding something from myself brought me closer to my thoughts.

my friends kept saying it is gonna be fine. she is fine they said... over and over. i hope they are right. i think sometimes i look for others to just tell me. its gonna be ok, it'll all work out, thats the right decision. i wanted them to tell me, everything will be fine.

On my way home i started getting nervous. everytime i turn the corner onto our street my heart jumps... is that our car? is she home? but it never is, and she never is.

i went to bed tired. i ran with the dog until i couldn't anymore. it wasnt as far as it would have been 10 years ago, but i did ok. i felt better when i walked in the door, the endorphins masking anything else i felt. i went to bed alone. i watched one of our tv shows just to see if it made me feel like she was here. it did. momentarily.

its lonely to wake up in an empty bed. i had to work so i started toward the shower. my phone went off. i made sure its distinctive, and my heart skipped. its gotta be her. we talked for a few minutes. she sounds better. i hope that brings her closer to coming home. it isn't home without her. she makes it home. without her its a big empty building antiseptic like a warehouse. with her its warm... its home.

work was long, but i was lucky to see her name on my phone a couple times. its hard to wait for those brief hellos. i am afraid that even when she is back this is what we are now... brief hellos, short conversations. she opened up to me more today than she has in months. i think that is good.

i turned the corner to our house with the same anticipation... butterflies... is she there? did she come home... is she waiting. the driveway was empty... my heart dipped a little. everytime i go to bed brings me a day closer to seeing her...